You Feel Your Dreams Are Dying, Hold Tight
by Lexie-Rae
Summary: Three days after waking up in the empty hotel room, Peyton flies out to North Carolina wanting answers from Lucas, but he's not there. Just one of the things I think could have happened in the missing years.


I cannot express anywhere nearly enough how much credit needs to go to Kellyyy for this, and neither will I let her deny it. This oneshot was in my mind for a while but I didn't have the inspiration to write it until I was reading Kelly's story,_ Stay With Me The Night_. (Which I recommend highly!) This story runs on a similar theme.

I hope you enjoy.

...

Nathan laughs a little at the look on his son's face when he hears a tap on the apartment door; Jamie frowns and tilts his head towards the sound looking to his Dad for some kind of explanation. Scooping the eleven month old up from his blanket of toys, Nathan sets him on his hip, "Either your Mama forgot her keys or your Uncle Lucas is going to be on the other side of that door wearing the dopiest grin you'll ever see."

He knows that it's probably Haley home from class, but Nathan's kind of hoping to see his brother's face on the other side of the door. Four days ago Lucas left for LA with a ring in his pocket and Nathan hasn't heard a damn thing from him since. He doesn't like to think of what Lucas and Peyton might have been doing to celebrate the engagement - Lucas is his brother and Peyton's something like a sister yet ex-girlfriend to him - still he thinks they might have taken two minutes out from 'celebrating' to send a couple of texts.

Pulling open the door Nathan's grin freezes on his face.

"Peyton." He looks past her for Lucas but only sees a taxi pulling away from the kerb. When his eyes fall back on Peyton he takes her in properly; glassy eyes, set lips and a skinnier frame than he remembers.

"Where is he?" Her arms are wrapped tightly around her waist, her fingers gripping tightly at the material of her Ramones t-shirt. "Nathan, I need to talk him."

For her to not even say hello to him or Jamie tells him that he should probably tread pretty carefully, "He's not here."

"Cut it out, Nate. I don't care what he's said, I need to see him." She says, with a roll of her eyes.

"Hey, I thought he was with you. I don't know where he is." Nathan notices the absence of any bags and shakes his head at her, "Look, do you wanna come in or something?"

"Not really." She sighs deeply and steps past him anyway.

Nathan exhales deeply and sends a look of apology to Jamie who's frowning deeply. "Yeah. I've got no idea either."

Peyton's pacing the lounge, tapping her fingernails on a CD case in a thunderous manner when Nathan catches up to her. He lays a hand on her arm and she whips her head around, startled.

"Wanna tell me what the hell's going on?" He asks, collecting Jamie's half-finished bottle from the coffee table and trying to tempt his son's attention with it, to little success. "Only you're kind of freaking me out now."

She stops pacing and some of her anger seems to fall away, "You really don't know where he is?"

"Not a clue." Nathan answers simply.

He watches as her expression changes from fury to fear in an instant. He knows the changing faces of Peyton Sawyer thanks to a year or so of sending her through every emotion in book. She sets the CD down on the coffee table and sinks into the armchair as her eyes well with tears. He was never an expert at understanding her, far from it, but now he feels almost more out of depth than he ever did as her boyfriend.

"We had a fight." She says and then scoffs or sobs, he's not quite sure. "He tore off. I thought he came here. Dammit, where is he?"

"I'll call him." Nathan says with a roll of his shoulders as he tries not to think of what Scott men can do when they act in anger.

Peyton throws him a look, "You really think I didn't try that?"

Nathan ignores her comment and digs in his pocket for his cell. Instinctively Jamie reaches for it to play with but Nathan leans away from his grasping hands. He scrolls to Lucas' name and hits the call button, it rings a couple of times before there's an answer.

He interrogates Lucas for a while and learns briefly that Peyton refused the proposal and Lucas is now in New York with Brooke celebrating his book getting published. He speaks for as long as he can until Peyton's twitching in the corner of his eye line becomes too unbearable to ignore. He doesn't mention her being there to Lucas for some reason.

As soon as he says goodbye to Lucas and hangs up he coaxes Peyton into his arms for a hug.

"He's okay?" She asks as she cries onto his shoulder and Jamie pulls her on her curls.

"Yeah." Nathan rubs her back and tries to persuade Jamie's most likely sticky hands away from her hair. "Yeah, he's alright."

She leans back and wipes her eyes, "Thank God."

"Let me put the kid down for a nap and then we can talk, okay?" He says and she nods mutely.

When he returns a few minutes later she's curled up on the armchair running her finger along a rip in the knee of her jeans and staring dead into space. He lays a hand on her shoulder, "You want something to drink?"

She glance up at him and feigns a smile, "Whiskey?"

"You know what, Haley will be back any minute." He says, "There's a bar a couple of blocks away if you're serious about that whiskey."

He figures if they're going to go for a drink she'll probably be staying the night which either means her stopping on the couch or taking the spare bed,_ Lucas'_ bed. He poses the options to her and she's slow to answer so he tells her to take the bed and she doesn't argue.

…

Nathan sets down four glasses of whiskey on the table causing Peyton to look up at him from beneath an arched brow. He rolls his shoulders and slides two of the glasses in her direction. "Luke told me you guys broke up." He says by way of an explanation.

She lifts a glass to her lips and takes a long sip in response, turning her head away from him ever so slightly and gazing around the room.

They're in the closest bar to the apartment, a quiet little place that Lucas and Haley like a lot more than Nathan does. It doesn't show sports or even have a pool table. Instead there's an old jukebox and things to read lying all about the place. Usually Nathan would carry on down the block to more student populated bar with cheap beer and decent chart music but he bets their whiskey selection sucks anyway.

"Sawyer," Nathan leans in a little closer to her across the table and waits until her eyes graze his own, "he told me you said no."

"God," She drops her head into her hands. "Is that what he said? He told you I said _no_?"

Nathan winces, hearing the break in her voice as she says the word 'no'. He copies her in taking a long drag of his drink as she wipes away the tears slipping freely down her cheeks, cursing them under her breath.

"I didn't say no." She says in a husky voice. "I wouldn't say no to marrying him, Nathan. All he_ heard_ is no."

She closes her eyes for a second before continuing, "I said someday. I want to marry him _someday_. But he seems to think that we need to get married right now to prove that we're in love. He thinks I don't love him enough; he thinks that because I didn't say yes, I don't love him enough. Nathan, I am _so_ in love with him. How could he possibly think that?"

Nathan frowns, Lucas has loved Peyton for as long as anyone can remember. He can't understand how his brother would let her go, not least after travelling all the way to LA to propose to her.

"All I said was one little word and it changed everything. And I couldn't take it back, he wouldn't hear it. I saw it, as soon as the words left my mouth, like I'd broken his heart." Peyton sniffs and drains her glass. She slams it back down on the table a little ferociously as she clenches her jaw against the fiery liquor. "When I woke up in the morning he was already gone."

She takes a deep breath and Nathan gets the feeling that she's fighting with everything she has not to break down right now. "I woke up the morning after that…mess and he'd disappeared. No goodbye. No note. Nothing at all. We broke up and he didn't so much as bother to _tell _me. Like I wasn't even worth it."

"Hey, I'm sure it wasn't like that." Nathan says, throwing her a heavy blue eyed look. He watched Peyton and his brother all through high school; the girl who never, ever let anyone in, letting him save her, time after time.

She drops her gaze to her lap, "It was exactly like that, Nate. He just left me there."

"I can't pretend I understand it." He says with a shake of his head, and he really _doesn't_ understand it. He tries putting himself and Haley into the situation, wondering what he'd have done if Haley had said someday to him. He supposes he'd have been disappointed, for sure, but he can't see how he could have given up on her for that.

"I'm not ready to get married." Peyton picks at her dark nail varnish, "As selfish as it sounds, I'm not ready to give up on LA, not yet. And I don't want him to leave school either just so that we can live together. We'll end up resenting each other for having to give up on our dreams. I love him too much to take that away from him."

Nathan holds up his hands, "Hey, I agree with you."

"I just, I can't believe that what we had…this love that we struggled with for so long, that I resisted because it scared me so much and that he fought so hard for could be over so easily." Peyton pauses and covers her mouth with her closed fist. Her eyes shine back at Nathan as she speaks, "How can letting go be so easy for him? Each and every one of my dreams is wrapped up in Lucas. When I get my promotion it's him I want to share the champagne with. When Lucas gets his book published I want to be the one stood next to him, telling him how proud I am. It's him. I imagine all of my great moments with him by my side. All my moments, even."

Nathan sucks in a breath. She doesn't know about _Ravens_. Of course she doesn't know; she came to North Carolina looking for him when he's in New York and she's called him something like a thousand times to no reply. There's no way she could know that Lucas has found a publisher.

Rubbing his clammy palms on his jeans, he chances a look up at her, not knowing whether he should be the one to tell her. Not knowing if he wants to be the one to tell her. "Peyton, listen,"

Her eyes flare back at him as though expecting him to say something devastating like he's on Lucas' side. He wouldn't do that. He cares about both Lucas and Peyton, he won't take either side. He will however have a word with either one of them if he thinks they're being particularly dumb about something. In this case he feels like he's going to have to sit down with Lucas for a pretty long time to explain why everything he's done is stupid.

"Lucas isn't here because he's in New York." Nathan watches as the confusion overtakes every line on her face. "He got a call when he was leaving LA, from a publisher,"

There's a fraction of a second where she must forget that she's mad at Lucas and has a lapse in memory concerning their mess of a break-up, because she smiles. It flies away just as quickly as it appears but Nathan catches it. He can see how proud and thrilled she is for Lucas. Then her eyes hood and lets out a long breath, "That was three days ago. And I'm not there with him."

She moves onto her second drink and takes down a burning gulp. The whiskey is no doubt going down a lot smoother than the news Nathan has just shared with her though.

"It's bad timing, that's all." Nathan tries to reason with her. And it is. The call from the publisher must have come only hours after the proposal.

"It's not." She whispers in a broken tone. "He doesn't want me there with him. His dream came true and I wasn't standing next to him. You want to hear something really dumb? Even after what happened in that hotel room, I didn't really believe we were over. How could we be? But now I do. It's just crashed down I feel so naive for just believing that we were forever. The thought of me and Lucas breaking up, it never even crossed my mind before. And now I have no idea what to do."

Nathan knocks his foot against hers under the table, "Hey, just because Lucas is acting like a moron that doesn't mean that this is the end for you guys."

Peyton's expression crumples, "I'm clearly not the person he wants next to him when his dreams come true."

"Hey, you're reading too much into this. He's mad at the moment, rightly or not, he's mad. When this all calms down he'll call you up and this will get sorted out." Nathan tells her.

She doesn't bother to wipe away her tears now, instead she lets them roll freely down her cheeks, "I don't think it will."

"Peyton." He reaches his hand out across the table and squeezes her arm, "You came all this way to fix it."

"He doesn't want me with him." She casts her eyes downward, "That kind of tells me everything I need to know."

Nathan looks back at her, mystified. "He's being stubborn, that doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with you."

"Nathan, he won't wait a couple of years for me. So maybe his dream wasn't me, maybe it was the happily ever after." Peyton looks back at him heavily, her cheeks stained with tears.

"That's not true." He urges. He knows his brother, and he knows Peyton too. It makes no sense them breaking up.

Peyton presses a sad smile to her lips, "Maybe not."

"You want me to talk to him?" He offers, despite having planned to all along.

"God, no." She throws him a thankful look though. "You can sit here and help me get drunk though."

He arches his brow, "You think that will help?"

"Not even a little bit."

…

It's only when they stagger through the front door that Nathan realises they may have had too much to drink, Peyton more so than himself. She stumbles a little on the mat and he reaches out to catch her.

"Hey, steady there." He pulls her upright and she smiles weakly back at him in thanks. Her eyes seem almost persistently filled with tears now, he notes. "You're going to be okay, Sawyer."

She rolls her eyes to the ceiling and keeps her hands wrapped around his arms as though afraid to let go. "People always leave, Nathan."

He locks eyes with her, "Sometimes they come back, remember?"

His mind rolls back to junior year when Haley was away on tour. Peyton had told him that and she'd been right; Haley had come back. He hoped that Lucas too would come to his senses.

"Is it me?" She says lightly as he leads her through to Lucas' room. She stops them in the doorway and blinks up at him, "Am I the reason people always leave? Do I drive them away?"

Nathan is angrier at Lucas for that alone than the entire break-up; for leaving her in the hotel room when he knows better than anyone what a complex she has about people leaving.

"No." His locks eyes with her. "It is not you, trust me on that."

He watches her eyes glide over the room, fixing on a couple of photo frames of her and Lucas together. He pulls back the comforter on the bed in an attempt to coax her away from the memories staring down at her.

"Come on," He tilts his head towards the bed. She sets down one of the frames, knocking something off the dresser as she does so. Nathan waves a hand, "Don't worry about it."

Following his purposeful stare, she falls into the bed. Nathan goes to find whatever it was that she dropped - a desk tidy and more pens that he can be bothered to search all over for - and sets it back in roughly the same spot. He paces back to the bed only to find that Peyton's already asleep, no doubt exhausted. Her head's turned to one side, mouth ever so slightly askew and a tear frozen midway down her cheek. With a sigh he leans over and wipes it away with the pad of his thumb.

He takes her foot in his hand and begins to untie the laces as gently as possibly as he sighs down at her broken figure, "You have got a lot to answer for, Luke."

…

When Nathan wakes up the following morning, it's to an empty bed. He can only assume that means he's slept through Jamie's cries which is a miracle in itself. Pulling himself into a seated position, he scrubs a hand over his eyes trying to push away the whispers of a hangover that are threatening.

He finds a couple of aspirin in the bathroom cabinet and washes them down quickly before padding out to the kitchen in search of Haley. He's surprised when he gets there to see that Peyton's there too, nursing a coffee and teasing Jamie with pieces of banana from his tray.

"Hey, you." Haley lifts her brow as he dives straight for the fridge.

"Hey." He takes the milk carton from the door and leans over to kiss her good morning. "I guess I was out for the count last night."

"You could say that." Haley chuckles and shakes her head, "You snore so bad."

Peyton laughs from where she's sat observing, and Jamie joins in too, letting out an adorable little baby giggle.

"Not you too, Jamie." He tickles his hand over Jamie's tummy causing the little boy to laugh even harder, and then flicks his glance up at Peyton who's watching on with a clouded expression. "How are you doing, Peyton?"

She rolls her eyes, predictably he thinks, and shrugs her shoulders, "I'll get there. Thanks for looking after me last night."

"No sweat." Nathan pours himself some cereal and falls into a seat opposite her. He can feel Haley's eyes on them both and a question at her lips, desperate to know what's going on but he doubts Peyton wants to go over it all again over breakfast. "I don't know when Lucas will be back but you can stay here as long as you like."

She shakes her head, "Thanks but I need to get back. My boss is probably pissed enough as it is."

"Right." He frowns, wishing there was something more he could offer. He doesn't know how he feels about her going all the way back to LA alone. Heartbreak can do pretty bad things to a person, he should know, one afternoon with a race car was proof enough. "But we're still here, if ever you need us. Don't do it alone. It's not worth it."

Something lingers in her eyes and he sees that she gets it. "You're a good friend, Nathan."

"Do you really have to go right away, Peyton?" Haley asks, stepping forwards, "It seems a shame to come all this way for such a short visit. I've barely seen you and Jamie seems to really be enjoying having his Aunt Peyton here."

"I know." The struggle shows in Peyton's face, "And I really miss you guys but I can't be here. I just, I can't. The reason I came…it's not here."

Haley clutches a hand over her heart, "If I call Lucas and let him know-,"

"No," Peyton says sharply, "I was never here, okay? It's easier this way."

Nathan nods resignedly; arguing with her is never worth it. Haley bites her lip as though having to restrain herself from saying something.

"I just want to spend the next hour with this little guy before I have to call a cab." Peyton says, standing to pull Jamie up out of his high chair and onto her hip. "What do you say, Jamie? You want to hang out with me?"

He laughs on obliviously, completely occupied by her long curly hair. He tugs on it and looks back at his Mom, "Ma-ma-ma!"

She laughs and shakes her head, "Baby boy this is Pey-ton. Can you say Peyton?"

"Bah!" He says by way of reply. Nathan thinks it was a bit of a longshot anyhow; the kid can say _Mama_, _Dad_, _Ook_ (Luke),_ No_, and_ bot_ (bottle). Peyton is probably a stretch too far.

Nathan ruffles his little boy's hair as he turns to Peyton, "Don't think of getting a cab. I'll drive you, okay?"

She nods without argument and smiles a little. "Thank you for not making this bigger than it already is."

"Stop thanking me." He tells her. "Now go and play, Aunt Bah."

"Shut up." She shoots back over her shoulder as she strolls to the corner of the lounge where Jamie's toys are. Nathan watches her carefully; he can see that she's still struggling, that much is obvious and he'd be surprised if she were anything but a mess but he doesn't know how to fix it. The only person he knows of to fix this broken girl is a blonde haired idiot who guys by the name of Lucas.

…

"You'll be okay?" He asks her again at the airport as they linger by security. He can't help but ask, he's worried about her.

She nods mutely, "Yeah, I will. Really."

"Don't think of lying to me, Sawyer." He warns. He realises that they haven't been as close as they should have been over the past year or so. He's sorry for that. He would be there for her in a heartbeat though if she needed it and he knows that she'd do the same for him right back.

Her gaze angles back at him and then she sighs, "Alright, I probably won't be okay, not for a while."

Without a second thought he pulls her into a hug. He wishes more than anything that he could fix this for her but she's asked him not to get involved, he can't say that he understands that but he'll respect her at the very least. "It's not weak. Missing him. Even though he did a shitty thing and it might turn out that you're better off without him if he really wants different things to you. It doesn't mean you don't get to miss him and cry over him or throw a keyboard into the ocean though."

She stutters a light laugh at that as she pulls away and then blinks up at her friend, "I think I'm mostly afraid of it just being me now…I mean I'm not working towards getting a place with Lucas anymore and I won't ever be planning our wedding day with Brooke and Karen. We're not going to argue about paint colours in a nursery. All of a sudden I have absolutely no idea where I'm going."

"You're going to be some music…person, and you're going to be awesome at it. You haven't lost all your dreams, Peyton." Nathan shakes his head, "I've known you a really long time and music was a part of you long before Lucas was."

"Dreams change, Nathan." She remarks lightly.

He arches his brow, "Don't I know it."

He's a nineteen year old father. A point shaver. He's never going to play for the Duke Blue Devils. He gets it.

"I'm afraid I won't be enough, you know?" Peyton whispers in such a low tone that he has to strain to hear her. She must see his frown deepen because she continues on, "It's…I don't know how to say this without it sounding really lame but, it almost feels like Lucas made me great. I never believed in myself before him. He believed I could do anything. And now I'm in LA because he told me I could be great but I'm not going to hear him tell me that anymore, I have to tell myself that. Only I'm not sure I'll believe it. I'm scared that everything I was a week ago was him; and that the girl I was is the best version of me."

Nathan falters because he can relate, before collecting himself. "Lucas is not the only one who has ever believed in you, you know. I _know_ you can make it. And Ellie, she told you that you have the talent to do whatever you want, right? Don't credit Luke for making you great when you were already that way before he so much as spoke to you. Sure he gave you some confidence but don't you dare let him take that away again. And hell, you're better than _great_. I don't play basketball to be great, I play to be the greatest. You should too."

She gives a soft smile and he appreciates the effort it must take her. "Thank you, again, Nathan."

"Don't be dumb. It was nothing." He shrugs.

"It was so much more than that." She tells him and squeezes his hand. She looks guiltily towards security, "I should go."

"Let me know when you're home." He says, letting her hand go, with a little reluctance.

He watches her until she's completely out of sight, longer even. He's sure that he's stood there to give her a look of complete reassurance in case she looks back, which she does. Twice. He wants her to realise that he'll always be there, right behind her, should she need him.

Finally, when he's sure that she's definitely not coming back, he strolls away with his hands sunk deep into his pockets, wondering how he might refrain from sucker punching Lucas the next time he sees him. Because hell, he deserves it.


End file.
